An explanation: part one

Ciao tutti! Sembra che sia stato per sempre.

So, it’s been forever and everything has changed.

Yes, everything.

Since I last wrote back in 2015, I got engaged to my boyfriend of almost five years, planned a wedding, bought a house, and then broke up with him. (I also got a job somewhere in there, teaching ESL at a local high school.)

November 18. That was supposed to be the wedding day. I planned, counted down, and had all the engagement pictures as my screen savers and phone backgrounds. I wrote daily in a little journal to give to him on the wedding day. I had my dress and knew the colors and the kind of flowers and how I would do my hair. We had created the menu, received tons of beautiful wedding gifts, and started planning the honeymoon.

I was so excited.

There were a few hiccups here and there though. Red flags, if you will. I was too caught up in the romance and excitement that comes with being engaged and planning a wedding. It took up all my energy and attention, so I was totally blindsided later by how wrong everything really was between us.

During our engagement, we fought more than ever before. Arguments about the house, his family, my family, spending time together or not, his dog, cleaning, not cleaning, planning, not planning, budgets, money. We argued and yelled at each other about everything under the sun. And yet somehow, I still thought we could make it work if we really tried hard and prayed together. I still thought he would change somehow to be the man I needed him to be.

He stopped complimenting me. He started turning around everything I said so I sounded like a maniac. He started calling me a liar. He started bringing up things I’d done in the past that he had never forgiven me for (though he’d told me before that I was forgiven). He stopped trying to be romantic. He never planned dates for us. He never wanted to spend time with me outside of hanging around the house or getting dinner.

I should have been romanced, cared for, and loved unconditionally. It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. Instead I was rejected, mistrusted, hated, and criticized. It was the most painful thing to admit to myself that this man was not the same one who had proposed and claimed to love me more than anything. To admit that I could no longer agree to spend the rest of my life with him.

To be continued…

Con amore,


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